PINELLAS COUNTY, Fla. — According to officials, domestic violence is worsening across Tampa Bay. This time of year it can be especially worrisome.
“It’s not something to be ashamed of," Barbara Mellen said.
She’s a domestic abuse survivor.
“The night that I called the police, you know my ex was arrested, taken to jail, I sat on the floor," Mellen said. "I emailed my therapist because I had already started therapy, saying, 'Please don’t tell anyone.' A therapist is not supposed to tell anyone. The fact that I was in that mindset just shows you that I couldn’t trust the people that I was supposed to trust."
She was in an abusive relationship for years and was finally able to get out with help from friends, family, therapy, and support groups.
“All the support provided by Hope Villages of America, Haven, is the reason I’m still alive today,” said Mellen. “Also, once I got through, kind of putting together a plan of what I can do in the future to help other people get out."
Although the days, weeks, and months following her decision to leave were difficult, Mellen said it was all worth it.
“The years of abuse, the years of control just to get over that little hump," she said. "I mean, there were days for months afterward where I sat just sobbing on the floor. My child comes up and comforts me without knowing what’s wrong."
Mellen is now an advocate for other survivors looking for a way out.
“It’s not just women. Men get abused. The LGBTQ+ community is a huge area where there’s hidden abuse,” she said.
During the holidays is when advocacy groups like Hope Villages of America see domestic violence cases increase.
This is something Mellen knows firsthand.
“Over the years, I kept getting cut off more and more from my family over the holidays. It was losing that ability, I was able to see them, but the amount of time kept getting shorter and shorter and shorter,” said Mellen.
There are a couple of reasons why abuse can get worse this time of year.
“You’re talking about stress that comes from financial challenges, not able to buy presents or provide the comfort and gifts and things that you generally like to do around this time," said Kirk Ray Smith, president and CEO of Hope Villages of America.
Mellen experienced just that.
“He had tension with his own family around the holidays, and that poured over into our relationship and then made things worse with our relationship and the violence,” said Mellen.
That’s why officials want people to be aware of the warning signs.
“Domestic violence often starts with verbal or emotional abuse. Then it works its way into physical,” said Smith. “A lot of it is manipulation, gaslighting. 'You’re not enough, you’re inadequate, you’re not pretty, no one wants you but me. You’ll be nothing without me,' and all those types of things. It sort of starts with that."
Other red flags include lack of trust, financial control, no privacy and isolation.
“Withdrawal from friends. If they’re not getting as close contact or anything like that, if the person in their life has to constantly check in with their partner,” said Mellen. “Also, paying attention to how they treat other people. That’s one big red flag I missed was my ex was proud of having a dog that barked at anybody he didn’t like."
Advocates like Mellen are urging people to be aware if they might be in danger.
“Don’t ever, ever stay for your children. It is not worth it, and that will damage your child no matter how young you think they are, no matter how you think they’re not affected. I left when my son was just over a year and a half old. I mean, even to this day, he did several years of play therapy, still he’s now starting to ask questions and he’s seven."
She wants people to know there are lots of ways to get help, even on social media.
“One of the biggest places to find resources, honestly, is the Facebook groups. If you don’t know where to go, post anonymously on any of these Facebook groups,” said Mellen.
But most importantly, don’t give up.
“You may leave five times and go back five times, but there will be that one time that will stick if you keep trying," she said. "The average survivor doesn’t leave until the seventh time. I would also say that little ray of hope when there’s that one person, when there’s that one thing that will eventually get you out, pay attention to it."
Remember, you’re not alone.
“Don’t be afraid. Don’t be ashamed. It’s not your fault, and it’s never, ever your fault, and there is hope, and there is help,” said Mellen.
